User talk:Intestinal-parasit3
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Thread:521542|Looking for writer- Free or Paid page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! WhyAmIReadingThis (talk) 03:42, January 17, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:36, January 21, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story There were quite a lot of issues here. Starting with the basics, this was how your story was formatted: “Summer has always been my favorite season. I’m glad it’s coming around again. I just love lounging by the pool with a glass of iced tea.” You also really should use source mode when copy/pasting off of word press as it brought some coding issues as well: "just staring the pictures hung on the wall. She had great stories though, fairy tales and fables, stuff like that. I" Wording issues: There are quite a lot of issues here. “She had a huge house to (too)”, “She was sitting her old rocking chair”, “and his house beside the woods”, “One of Johan fellow farmhands”, "Heinrich just sat there silently, and the (sic) he fell" etc. I would suggest correcting these issues on your wordpress story as well. Those were a few I came across while reading it. Wording issues cont.: You have a tendency to repeat names multiple times each sentence. Once identifying the speaker, there isn’t much need to repeat Johan or Heinrich so many times. " Heinrich built a swing for him, in the tree beside their house.", "the one Heinrich had built a swing for his son in (on)," In implies the swing is inside the tree. "Sitting in front of the fire place" (fireplace is one word.) Awkward wording: "Sitting in front of the fire place Johan, and next to him, a life size, wooden puppet of Heinrich.", " I had gone to her house to deliver her some groceries.", etc. I would really suggest reading it aloud to try and catch these issues. Also compound words like "well met" and "life size" should be hyphenated as they directly impact each other. Story issues: “Heinrich just sat there silently, and the he fell, producing only a slight “thud” as he hit the floor. He was dead." This really needs more explanation. If he died in the chair, why did he fall over only after Johan shouted at him for a couple of minutes, also it comes off as odd with no precipitation. He goes to the hospital and returns that night and immediately begins shouting without any discussion beforehand. You really need to build this character's mindset to have that work. Additionally it feels like the framing device isn't attached to the core story at all, which makes the ending reference seem awkward. "I couldn’t help but notice how wooden she looked." There really isn't any build-up to this so the story just feels fairly anticlimactic. While reading the story, these issues really jumped out at me and combined with the numerous wording issues, I decided it really wasn't up to quality standards. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:13, January 21, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:42, January 21, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story issues (again) Once again your story was not up to quality standards and it was not proof-read very well. I would strongly suggest taking your next story to the writer's workshop for feedback as you tend to overlook quite a lot of issues. Putting two stories back-to-back with this many errors is not a very good start. A final note before we continue: these were the issues I found at a glance, there are likely a number of other things i overlooked here. Formatting: Asterisks are used as bullet points so you can’t use them as a divider unless you use a template: I believe will solve that minor issue. Capitalization issues: Locations, unless specific or starting a sentence do not need to be capitalized. Numbers starting sentences should be written as words so they can be properly capitalized. "Story: 2 years ago" Numbers starting sentences should be properly written out so they can be capitalized. Grammatical issues: their=possession, they’re=they are, there=indicatory. “they always seem like their (sic) drugged”, “Oh, and their always naked”, etc. Punctuation issues: There is little to no punctuation in your dialogue. “bad.”(incorrect quotation placement) Let me out of here” he said.”, ““It’s research” he said”, etc. The times you do include punctuation, you place it outside of the quotations. “Let me out”.”, ““You should leave”.”, ““Look at the birds”.”, etc. Punctuation issues cont.: punctuation missing before dialogue introduction. “said(comma missing) “You should…”, “she said(,) “Look at”, “ I told it(comma missing) “No, I’m her brother”.”, “The voice said “Ah, Jeremy, that’s a nice name.”, etc. Punctuation issues cont.: Punctuation is missing from locations/listed items. “Interview Location: A local coffee shop”, “Interview Location: Mall food court”, “Interview Location: The sidewalk outside a fast food place" Redundancy issues continue: “They didn’t their stories like they were trying to impress me with a fascinating tale, they told their stories” , “He asked me a few questions, very general questions”, etc. Wording issues: There are a lot of fragmented sentences. “Was wearing a black hoodie with the name of some metal band.”, “Wearing a black sweater.”, “Made me buy him a beer in exchange for the story.”, etc. These tend to give the story a very stunted and rushed feel. The typos are back again as well. “All I could bring my self (myself) to do was sit there and answer him.”, “He as wearing khakis”, etc. Story issues: the multiple viewpoints and stories all come off as rushed due to being condensed to a paragraph. While there is some interesting stories in there possible, the lack of description drains it out and makes them uninteresting. There's also a real lack of characterization to really keep the audience interested. It also seems odd that the professor would task a student with these interviews (especially since he doesn't know them. "I had never met this man, and I didn’t take any of his classes.") Story issues cont.: The ending feels extremely anti-climactic. There's not much really tying these stories together and as a anthology, these stories are not standalone. This gives the entire thing a very rushed feeling, couple that with the numerous issues, the lack of description, and the real lack of engagement and you have a story that falls pretty far below our quality standards. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:08, January 21, 2016 (UTC) Re: I wouldn't be that concerned about it. I would just try to fix up your other stories on Reddit and Wordpress and use this as a learning experience. No one starts off writing as a master. My first story I wrote was so atrocious that I even put it up on pastebin so other users could see how bad it is. The key is taking criticism and building from it. To realize that there are errors and correct them. Finally, I can't delete accounts or user names. Staff can lock an account on community wiki, but it's still up and visible. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:25, January 21, 2016 (UTC)